I was thinking about how to construct a personalized license plate that read “I have to pee”.

I got as far as “IHAF2P” when I realized it could be mistaken for “I have toupee”.

And now men with wigs make me have to pee.

Thanks, brain.

If the email announcing your webinar starts with “Everything You Always Wanted to Know About UNIBA!” — where UNIBA stands for Undefined & Non-Intuitive Business Acronym — and you don’t actually explain what UNIBA means, your email will probably be deleted faster than you might prefer.

I mean, even faster than is normal for a webinar invitation.

Long-form text and me aren’t besties right now.

Thusly, mah Twitter and Tumblr are getting the love from me right now.

I still love you, but I have the attention span of a marmoset right now.

And its shiny pelt.

Kisses!

[Pre-bastardized picture found here]

These are two facts about my creative process I am sharing with the world in a hope to break their old lady vice grip on my brain:

1. If I have to come up with a subject to write about, the first sentence that runs through my mind is “I like cheese”. Every time.
2. If I have to come up with a name, the first name that pops into my head is Stampy. (Yes. The elephant.) Every time.

There is no punchline. Punchlines imply an ending.

This will, in all likelihood, continue until the doctor turns off my ventilator and – as the light fades from my eyes – asks me if I can suggest a good name for her puppy.